I have a whole day and a morning left in NJ. Twas nice.

Got an iphone. Fucking love it.

Seeing my high school friends tomorrow morning. I am a tad. . .nervous? (wrong word) and fairly excited.

Terry Brown said the skirt I bought for New Year's is too short. I just realized: I'm 24! I don't have too many short skirt-wearing years, really. I might as well do it now. Pfff.

got no work done, but I feel infinitely better.

I am tired as fuck, fighting the urge to lie down for a nap before heading out.

I have so much work to do it is sick.

Fuck me.

I still mostly don't like that guy. My "but he is adorable!" thoughts are equally matched by revenge-thoughts.

I have re-concluded that I need someone else to like, but that's not going to happen because I have to go into social hibernation for the next two weeks because of ALL THE FUCKING WORK I HAVE. WHY DID I SIGN UP TO WRITE A GRANT, A THESIS, AND TAKE THREE CLASSES, OH AND HAVE 4 CLIENTS AND RUN A GROUP FOR TWO HOURS. THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA!

I am hopped up on caffeine!!! It feels excellent! But all of the work tasks I have left are not very active. So I am taking an undeserved break in order to let off some steam.

So? Hm. This weekend I took a bit of a break from work. For the past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of data analysis/interpretation. I presented a poster at a conference in Minneapolis and then this past Friday presented in my area (clinical) seminar! I was really nervous about it because (theoretically) we are supposed to fill the 50 min. with a talk, typically about our master's thesis. Apparently my talk was very good, since I got a lot of complements, but to me it was just okay. idk. I just don't think I very clearly presented my data. But Tim, my advisor, said that I've improved in terms of my public speaking/talk-giving abilities & that my talk was good in general.

So now I feel really relieved, even though the worst is yet to come. I have to now get back to working on my grant & thesis simultaneously. And my TA stuff is going to take up more time, etc. etc.

Also, that boy is very weird still. Last weekend he was a total asshole and out of nowhere, while we were at the bar, turned around and said "It's not going to happen."

I was like. Are you fucking kidding me? So we had a fight/discussion for the rest of the night in which he told me that somehow that was not meant to be an insult and was not meant to somehow correct my behavior (which has been ridiculously cool and in line). He (no shit) is all fucked up about girls for some reason he was unwilling to elaborate upon & had even tried to hook up with one of the first years. He intimated that this stopped/hadn't gone anywhere mutually, although for some reason or another my friend Liz thinks it is still going on. This disturbs me. If I can't have him, I want no one to have him!

I am moderately ashamed to still like him and care whether he still likes me/has found someone else to like.


I need to find someone else to like!!

Today I do not feel strong enough to help others. I am turning to my list of skills to help myself out.

It is 11 o'clock and I have already
wrote down my actions for today (it's a faux-buddhist to do list)
checked my schedule for the next couple of weeks
cleaned my living room (dusted, vacuumed, threw stuff away, put shoes away, cleaned coffee table)
cleaned my kitchen (took out trash, washed all dishes, cleaned off stove, cleaned coffee maker, counters, threw crap on kitchen table away, swept, swiffer/mopped, threw away crap food)
felt incredibly guilty and emailed my lab-mates that they could call me after 3 if they needed me to do something today
yoga-ed for 30 min.


--

next: food, shower, grocery store (i hope).

I feel totally panicked about my grant. I had to save and exit out of word. So I guess my into-it-ness of my grant is over and I can get back to work on thesising.

But I found out in a half an hour and two skills later that I am pretty much done working in general. So I'll be calling Terry Brown, who misses me apparently, buying some rice at the "oriental" (that is what it is called, seriously) market and heading home to do chores. I have never been so glad for chores.

So I hit my non-driving all-time-low.

Today I took the bus for the first time in CoMO. This is moderately a big deal because their website is incomphrensible and doesn't run super often.

I got on the bus at 5:35 or so. We go through down town and I find out that I can either stay on the bus and go to the slightly shady Walmart or transfer and go to the nicer one. I don't trust myself and just want to stay on the same bus. Sounds easier.

However, the driver has taken a shine to me, as I clearly exude helpless/adorably clueless passenger. He insists that I must not want to go to the Conley St. Walmart (CoMO boasts 3 Walmarts), so I transfer and sit for 10 min.

Oh! I forgot that while the busdriver was convincing me to transfer, he lets me know that this is the last bus (!!) And that it runs late on T and TR. Sweet. So I'll take a cab back b/c I'm in Apparent Competence & don't trust any of my associates at the moment.

Right. Transfer. 10 min. Bus is rolling. I get nervous that the bus won't actually stop at/near the Walmart. We get closer and then make a turn that I'm not expecting. It becomes clear to me that we are going some kind of back way. Someone has the bus stop right across the street from a Gerbes. Not everyone is getting off of the bus, so I prob. could have stayed on. But I decide to leave! Now! What if this is the only grocery store I can get to!


I regret this nearly immediately. This Gerbes looks pretty hood. I go inside & it's not so bad, but there is a real shit selection.

Shop.

Get to the self-check out & call for a cab. 20 min?!! It ends up not mattering, since it takes a million years for me to check out. I felt like those 40 year olds who think they are pretty smooth with the technology but aren't. at all.

Anyway I go to leave and GAH! Mark and Erin! (These are my arch-nemeses who sparked my mini-nervous breakdown from about October-December of last year). These are the last people I want to run into and explain that "ohaiyeahthisisthefirsttimeeverItookthebusandactually,I'llbewaitingoutsideforabout10minwaitingforacab becauseItookthelastbushahahahaha!"

So I run outside basically and walk to the end of the supermarket parking lot. Hoping the cab will come either before they get out or long after. I am near panic. Absurd, I know. I call the cab co. They haven't got a person yet. I call Ellen, who I was expecting a call from.

(I think they saw me and were calling me. But I barely noticed, and sort of figured that I was just freaking out and that I was hearing things). Mid convo with Ellen I realize they're gone! Yes!? I hope they didn't see me.

Anyway. Cab comes 10 min later. Weird lady starts telling me about how her family is having problems. And I didn't even tell her that I'm a therapist! Anyway, she gets to my place, doesn't have change for me and then drives me to a gas station to make me get change!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get home and realize I forgot brown rice, eggs, and cheddar cheese. I knew I'd forget eggs.

:(

I'm not fully committed, but I think instead of pregaming, I'll work on my grant draft in lab and grab a drink a little early before the ridiculousness commences.

Thank you, R. Kelly



http://www.ragtagfilm.com/today.php

I am so horribly sick of the absurd interactions I have with the opposite sex. Seriously? UGH. I give up.


Jeremy: Can we be celebate life-partners? I promise to not try (and fail) to trick you into revealing your secrets.

 I have no clue how to write a grant. The current state of my grant reflects that.

As per usual i have something more important to write about, but haven't quite wrapped my brain around it. Suffice it to say I am glad to have Bill as a friend that I can call and drunk-whine his ear off. 

 Waking up this early (or at least getting out of bed this early) reminds me of being a little kid. I would wake up at about 5:30AM & could hear the garbage trucks, which I remember being much louder in Jersey.

Whenever I move, I hope to have some kind of nook, or at least a better view than the parking lot outside of my complex. Though its surrounded by trees, I don't really want to look at everyone's cars. . .which are oddly dew-y today. Isn't it like 75 degrees already?!


This is all reminding me of fall, being up this early, dew, and garbage trucks. I guess because I've never had to be this dutiful or hard working in the summer. fucking exhausting.

I  am up so early because I have to finish this Latent Variables homework before class and do tons of other horrible stuff in lab after that. 

Thank goodness I get a week of empty-headed nothingness for awhole week and a day. It's been a long time since I've been on a legit vacation (Hilton Head, I guess, though that was 43% disasterous). 


Speaking of which, I should buy my shuttle ticket!

Ragtag!!!


I loved loved loved having Bill around for a week. I was pretty sad when he left. It was like I had forgotten I lived alone  & how lonely that can be at times...

The second Sat. he was there was the best. I got to sleep late @ we decided to see Sugar at the Ragtag http://www.ragtagfilm.com/blog/?p=440)  Then dinner @ Flatbranch & we met up with some of my peoples downtown for drinks. We didn't get back until 1 and stayed up chatting about EVERYTHING (including remembering that hilarious townhouse graduation cookout) until about 5AM. 


---

@ Jersey now, which is  nice. I def. needed to get away & was super burntout.

---

Read the comments here:  http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/19/expert-answers-on-borderline-personality-disorder/?hp&apage=1#comments

All I can say is "Yikes" & That I'm glad to be a DBT therapist.

 ugh. I hate this month. 

I think I'm already behind in my class (right before day three) and I know I'm going to have to start leaving at 7:30 to get there at 8 and work on hws. :(

I'm also broke and now have to possibly buy a plane ticket to Chicago from CoMO. (to get to this wedding, I thought I'd have a ride).

Bill's been here and its been oddly comfortable, great, and mildly stressful. I shouldn't, but can and will leave work early to hang with him before this going away party for Meg and Ellen. 


I'll update you all when I have a second to breathe. @_@

 i am so sick of wanting to change and having no idea how. 

um. lol.


http://www.columbiamissourian.com/stories/2009/05/28/multiracial-people-become-fastest-growing-us-group/


So much work @_@

The rain sounds like pee. Of course, my next door neighbor prob is peeing outside.

I shouldn't still be up, watching Big Love. Long day tomorrow. uff.

 

Even Pandora.com can't seem to get away from my horrible mood.

I thought I liked a fair amount of up-beat stuff.