Middle.Of.Nowhere

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:37:09 GMT

got no work done, but I feel infinitely better.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:48:50 GMT

I am tired as fuck, fighting the urge to lie down for a nap before heading out.

I have so much work to do it is sick.

Fuck me.

I still mostly don't like that guy. My "but he is adorable!" thoughts are equally matched by revenge-thoughts.

I have re-concluded that I need someone else to like, but that's not going to happen because I have to go into social hibernation for the next two weeks because of ALL THE FUCKING WORK I HAVE. WHY DID I SIGN UP TO WRITE A GRANT, A THESIS, AND TAKE THREE CLASSES, OH AND HAVE 4 CLIENTS AND RUN A GROUP FOR TWO HOURS. THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA!

Dear GarDouche

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 08:27:31 GMT

http://vimeo.com/5203838

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 21:47:50 GMT

I am hopped up on caffeine!!! It feels excellent! But all of the work tasks I have left are not very active. So I am taking an undeserved break in order to let off some steam.

So? Hm. This weekend I took a bit of a break from work. For the past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of data analysis/interpretation. I presented a poster at a conference in Minneapolis and then this past Friday presented in my area (clinical) seminar! I was really nervous about it because (theoretically) we are supposed to fill the 50 min. with a talk, typically about our master's thesis. Apparently my talk was very good, since I got a lot of complements, but to me it was just okay. idk. I just don't think I very clearly presented my data. But Tim, my advisor, said that I've improved in terms of my public speaking/talk-giving abilities & that my talk was good in general.

So now I feel really relieved, even though the worst is yet to come. I have to now get back to working on my grant & thesis simultaneously. And my TA stuff is going to take up more time, etc. etc.

Also, that boy is very weird still. Last weekend he was a total asshole and out of nowhere, while we were at the bar, turned around and said "It's not going to happen."

I was like. Are you fucking kidding me? So we had a fight/discussion for the rest of the night in which he told me that somehow that was not meant to be an insult and was not meant to somehow correct my behavior (which has been ridiculously cool and in line). He (no shit) is all fucked up about girls for some reason he was unwilling to elaborate upon & had even tried to hook up with one of the first years. He intimated that this stopped/hadn't gone anywhere mutually, although for some reason or another my friend Liz thinks it is still going on. This disturbs me. If I can't have him, I want no one to have him!

I am moderately ashamed to still like him and care whether he still likes me/has found someone else to like.

I need to find someone else to like!!

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:31:20 GMT

Today I do not feel strong enough to help others. I am turning to my list of skills to help myself out.

Pushing Away

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:11:31 GMT

It is 11 o'clock and I have already
wrote down my actions for today (it's a faux-buddhist to do list)
checked my schedule for the next couple of weeks
cleaned my living room (dusted, vacuumed, threw stuff away, put shoes away, cleaned coffee table)
cleaned my kitchen (took out trash, washed all dishes, cleaned off stove, cleaned coffee maker, counters, threw crap on kitchen table away, swept, swiffer/mopped, threw away crap food)
felt incredibly guilty and emailed my lab-mates that they could call me after 3 if they needed me to do something today
yoga-ed for 30 min.

--

next: food, shower, grocery store (i hope).

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:36:42 GMT

I feel totally panicked about my grant. I had to save and exit out of word. So I guess my into-it-ness of my grant is over and I can get back to work on thesising.

But I found out in a half an hour and two skills later that I am pretty much done working in general. So I'll be calling Terry Brown, who misses me apparently, buying some rice at the "oriental" (that is what it is called, seriously) market and heading home to do chores. I have never been so glad for chores.

Rock Bottom

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 04:06:00 GMT

So I hit my non-driving all-time-low.

Today I took the bus for the first time in CoMO. This is moderately a big deal because their website is incomphrensible and doesn't run super often.

I got on the bus at 5:35 or so. We go through down town and I find out that I can either stay on the bus and go to the slightly shady Walmart or transfer and go to the nicer one. I don't trust myself and just want to stay on the same bus. Sounds easier.

However, the driver has taken a shine to me, as I clearly exude helpless/adorably clueless passenger. He insists that I must not want to go to the Conley St. Walmart (CoMO boasts 3 Walmarts), so I transfer and sit for 10 min.

Oh! I forgot that while the busdriver was convincing me to transfer, he lets me know that this is the last bus (!!) And that it runs late on T and TR. Sweet. So I'll take a cab back b/c I'm in Apparent Competence & don't trust any of my associates at the moment.

Right. Transfer. 10 min. Bus is rolling. I get nervous that the bus won't actually stop at/near the Walmart. We get closer and then make a turn that I'm not expecting. It becomes clear to me that we are going some kind of back way. Someone has the bus stop right across the street from a Gerbes. Not everyone is getting off of the bus, so I prob. could have stayed on. But I decide to leave! Now! What if this is the only grocery store I can get to!

I regret this nearly immediately. This Gerbes looks pretty hood. I go inside & it's not so bad, but there is a real shit selection.

Shop.

Get to the self-check out & call for a cab. 20 min?!! It ends up not mattering, since it takes a million years for me to check out. I felt like those 40 year olds who think they are pretty smooth with the technology but aren't. at all.

Anyway I go to leave and GAH! Mark and Erin! (These are my arch-nemeses who sparked my mini-nervous breakdown from about October-December of last year). These are the last people I want to run into and explain that "ohaiyeahthisisthefirsttimeeverItookthebusandactually,I'llbewaitingoutsideforabout10minwaitingforacab becauseItookthelastbushahahahaha!"

So I run outside basically and walk to the end of the supermarket parking lot. Hoping the cab will come either before they get out or long after. I am near panic. Absurd, I know. I call the cab co. They haven't got a person yet. I call Ellen, who I was expecting a call from.

(I think they saw me and were calling me. But I barely noticed, and sort of figured that I was just freaking out and that I was hearing things). Mid convo with Ellen I realize they're gone! Yes!? I hope they didn't see me.

Anyway. Cab comes 10 min later. Weird lady starts telling me about how her family is having problems. And I didn't even tell her that I'm a therapist! Anyway, she gets to my place, doesn't have change for me and then drives me to a gas station to make me get change!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get home and realize I forgot brown rice, eggs, and cheddar cheese. I knew I'd forget eggs.

:(

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 23:25:49 GMT

I'm not fully committed, but I think instead of pregaming, I'll work on my grant draft in lab and grab a drink a little early before the ridiculousness commences.

Thank you, R. Kelly

http://www.ragtagfilm.com/today.php

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 07:09:00 GMT

I am so horribly sick of the absurd interactions I have with the opposite sex. Seriously? UGH. I give up.

Jeremy: Can we be celebate life-partners? I promise to not try (and fail) to trick you into revealing your secrets.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:02:50 GMT

I have no clue how to write a grant. The current state of my grant reflects that.

Specific Aims

The proposed project has 2 principal aims.

Aim 1: Refine conceptualization of interpersonal stress in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by unstable affect, impulsive behaviors, and interpersonal stress (APA, 2000). People with BPD tend to feel misunderstood, mistreated, and isolated by others. Yet, they tend to fear that they will be rejected by these significant others. Though the research suggests that BPD is associated with interpersonal stress, the exact nature of interpersonal stress remains unclear.

Aim 2: Clarify the instances in which it is necessary to use EMA technologies rather than paper-and-pencil self report measures of psychopathology and problems in living.

Ecological Momentary Assessment (EMA) methods provide more ecological validity than other methodologies because the participant is assessed in the moment directly in his or her environment. Although EMA cannot completely negate memory errors associated with retrospective recall, momentary assessment minimizes the amount of introspection needed to accurately report on the behaviors in question. However, we carry with us those retrospective interpretations of events.

Background and Significance

Though people with BPD tend to experience daily events as stressful in general (Levine et al. 1997), interpersonal relationships may constitute their main source of stress. Research describing how those with BPD experience, perceive, and interact with others to create interpersonal stress has just begun to emerge.

---

The BPD diagnostic criterion, chaotic interpersonal relationships, suggests constant conflict alternating with intense

While the BPD diagnostic criterion fear of abandonment suggests a strong desire to keep others close, yet engaging in aversive and at times destructive behaviors in order to keep this closeness.

---

Obtaining a more nuanced view of interpersonal stress in BPD may guide researchers to better understand the daily impact BPD symptoms have on those with the disorder

---

Further, gaining a greater understanding of how those with BPD interact with others may lead to interventions for those with a family member or significant other with BPD. (cite research, books, guided towards BPD families).

Preliminary Studies

We have already conducted one preliminary study based on existing data, which sought to examine affective instability in BPD using ambulatory assessment. These studies have allowed us to determine some of the ways in which those with BPD experience interpersonal stress. The first study used Ecological Momentary Assessment (EMA). The participants were 81? outpatients (Caucasian, female). Their mean age was XX.XX (SD=XX.XX) and the most common comorbid diagnoses were Generalized Anxiety Disorder (XX.X%) and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (XX.X%). XX percent of these participants met the criteria for either negative relationships or fear of abandonment We hypothesized that outpatients with the borderline diagnostic criteria of negative relationships and fear of abandonment had increased conflict (feeling rejected, having disagreements, and feeling let down) over a 28-day period in which they carried an electronic diary.

----(Findings here).

A sub-sample of these outpatients also participated in a study in which they wore an auditory device called the Electronically Activated Recorder (EAR). The EAR records 50-second sound clips approximately 50 times per day. The participants wore this device for 4 days. Trained coders listened to these 50-second sound clips and coded them for affect and behaviors.

The participants were psychiatric outpatients with a DSM-IV-TR Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis (% Caucasian, % female). Their mean age was (SD=). All participants in this group met the criteria for affective instability. XX percent of these participants met the criteria for either negative relationships or fear of abandonment. We hypothesized that participants with BPD criteria of negative relationships and fear of abandonment would show increased levels of arguing, less time with others, and when interacting with others, higher levels of negative affect.

Research Design and Methods

Pilot Study

Proposed Study

Participants

We will recruit 80 BPD participants with a current romantic partner from 4 local outpatient clinics. Describe clinics here. Participants will complete a flyer noting their interest in the study, allowing research staff to review their medical charts to determine eligibility.

Patients with current psychosis, current mania, a history of significant head trauma, or a current history of severe substance abuse or dependence will be excluded. If the participants appear to be eligible, they will be called and invited to participate in an in-person screening interview to determine diagnostic eligibility using the SCID-I (First et al. 1995) and the SIDP-IV (Pfohl et al., 1994). They were paid $20 for completing the interview.

Once the BPD participant is determined to be eligible for the studey, they and their significant other (SO) will be contacted and asked to return to the lab to be oriented to the proper use of their palm pilot. At this session the SO will also be given a short interview in order to determine

As per usual i have something more important to write about, but haven't quite wrapped my brain around it. Suffice it to say I am glad to have Bill as a friend that I can call and drunk-whine his ear off.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:34:28 GMT

Waking up this early (or at least getting out of bed this early) reminds me of being a little kid. I would wake up at about 5:30AM & could hear the garbage trucks, which I remember being much louder in Jersey.

Whenever I move, I hope to have some kind of nook, or at least a better view than the parking lot outside of my complex. Though its surrounded by trees, I don't really want to look at everyone's cars. . .which are oddly dew-y today. Isn't it like 75 degrees already?!

This is all reminding me of fall, being up this early, dew, and garbage trucks. I guess because I've never had to be this dutiful or hard working in the summer. fucking exhausting.

I am up so early because I have to finish this Latent Variables homework before class and do tons of other horrible stuff in lab after that.

Thank goodness I get a week of empty-headed nothingness for awhole week and a day. It's been a long time since I've been on a legit vacation (Hilton Head, I guess, though that was 43% disasterous).

Speaking of which, I should buy my shuttle ticket!

overwhelmed. tired. early to bed.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:59:44 GMT

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Writer's Block: Local Favorite

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:49:10 GMT

What's your favorite thing to show out-of-town guests when they come to visit?

Submitted By mercyb

View 502 Answers

Ragtag!!!

I loved loved loved having Bill around for a week. I was pretty sad when he left. It was like I had forgotten I lived alone & how lonely that can be at times...

The second Sat. he was there was the best. I got to sleep late @ we decided to see Sugar at the Ragtag http://www.ragtagfilm.com/blog/?p=440) Then dinner @ Flatbranch & we met up with some of my peoples downtown for drinks. We didn't get back until 1 and stayed up chatting about EVERYTHING (including remembering that hilarious townhouse graduation cookout) until about 5AM.

---

@ Jersey now, which is nice. I def. needed to get away & was super burntout.

---

Read the comments here: http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/19/expert-answers-on-borderline-personality-disorder/?hp&apage=1#comments

All I can say is "Yikes" & That I'm glad to be a DBT therapist.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 12:43:46 GMT

ugh. I hate this month.

I think I'm already behind in my class (right before day three) and I know I'm going to have to start leaving at 7:30 to get there at 8 and work on hws. :(

I'm also broke and now have to possibly buy a plane ticket to Chicago from CoMO. (to get to this wedding, I thought I'd have a ride).

Bill's been here and its been oddly comfortable, great, and mildly stressful. I shouldn't, but can and will leave work early to hang with him before this going away party for Meg and Ellen.

I'll update you all when I have a second to breathe. @_@

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 04:10:33 GMT

i am so sick of wanting to change and having no idea how.

Fri, 29 May 2009 21:02:39 GMT

um. lol.

http://www.columbiamissourian.com/stories/2009/05/28/multiracial-people-become-fastest-growing-us-group/

So much work @_@

Thu, 28 May 2009 06:18:14 GMT

The rain sounds like pee. Of course, my next door neighbor prob is peeing outside.

I shouldn't still be up, watching Big Love. Long day tomorrow. uff.

Mon, 25 May 2009 18:53:32 GMT

Even Pandora.com can't seem to get away from my horrible mood.

I thought I liked a fair amount of up-beat stuff.

Thu, 14 May 2009 20:44:52 GMT

Totally Fucked.

I have no idea how to do #3. Well. The last 3 parts of #3.

:(

I guess I'll be taking this stats class twice, too.

Thu, 14 May 2009 03:47:42 GMT

I hate you ANOVA final! Though, I nearly have #6 figured out enough to where I shouldn't fail. . .I think. :/

Just. . .have. . .to finish. . and. . .do. . ..#3 and #2.

UGH.

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:05:15 GMT

Let me tell you, anxiety has been high ever since this morning, circa 11 when Phil Wood says to me:

"So, [in June] you're taking Latent Variables, too? How are you doing that [along with writing a grant and your thesis]?"

Shit.

So I panicked for the next 3 hours, then distracted, and now I am getting a little panicked after realizing that I just got my first DBT client! And that I will be ready to do coaching and everything with her. . .right around the time Bill is coming.

:/

So in June I have

A. Latent Variables every day for 2 hours. (prob with weekly/biweekly hw)
B. Grant Writing--basically revising my initial study idea, re-reading/looking through the pertnant literature
C. Thesis revising. This will be more actual writing, I believe.
D. Being a therapist, but this time with a DBT-er, meaning Coaching Calls. Depending on how much this person cuts, it may not amount to much more than 2 calls a week.
E. some kind of driving lessons? studying for the written test for sure. I don't want to, but maybe I'll have to wait until July? At least I won't have class?
D. Bill for 10 days, home for 4 (to which I will be bringing some work for the airport)

My sunglasses finally came, and

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 03:26:14 GMT

Bill is coming to visit in June.

:)

Using Skills: Pros and Cons

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:54:37 GMT

I am feeling really irritated right now. I am totally sick of having to rush off to school/work. Sick of being tired and having to make up/force myself to do work. I hate being rushed and then forgetting things that I am actually moderately motivated to work on, etc.

Over it over it over it.

Pros/Cons of NOT tolerating distress
+	_
can do things that at first make me feel better (e.g. get easy/non-essential tasks done)	won't get anything important done
can waste time doing things that are more fun by convincing myself I am actually making myself feel better (e.g. watching tv on hulu.com)	tonight will feel like i wasted the day. guilty and anxious
can validate my tiredness/frustration	will have to do all these important things later.

Pros/Cons of tolerating distress
+	_
I may get something done	will have to work, which is exactly what i don't want to do
feeling masterful, accomplished	have to spend time "using skills" like a dork, lol.
won't feel guilty later	Have to "admit" that I was being silly (wrong word, but I can't think of a better one)
can actually relax/do something fun later on
frustration will decrease/is decreasing

Wow! I've never used Pros and Cons before, but that was actually helpful. I feel less frustrated/mad. It is actually more apparent to me that I am oddly hungry. Working seems less awful. I guess now I'll eat while dicking around on the internet (i do that always, because i've found it difficult to eat and work at the same time. But maybe first I will write down actions i can take today to make life seem less overwhelming.

DBT is the best. I'm glad I now have an example of Pros/Cons I can share with my clients.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:22:37 GMT

huge spider on the laundry room door. won't be getting the rest of my clothes anytime soon.